email and flat iron drama

For the most part, feeling good today. A little annoyed this morning, though. Damn $130 Paul Brown flat iron is all messed up. When I stayed with Chris, I had to buy one of those voltage converters, and the guy at Radio Shack assured me that I could use it for my flat iron…anyway, first day I used it, the thing started to smoke and the ceramic plates fell off. So, since then , I’ve been trying to snap them back in but they keep falling out. Sunday, I went to Chez Monique’s and Ane said, “Whoa, letting the true Hawaiian come out, huh?” My hair was its natural wavy/curly mess…and I like my wavy hair, but only when it’s long…its short now, so it looks funny to me. And I’m just annoyed cause I spent over $100 highlighting my hair for the first time two weekends ago, and everyday my hair looks like crap. So I asked my dad Sunday night if he had some kind of poxy, or glue, or something, anything, that will hold the plates on. Yesterday, he told me it was fixed so this morning I start to flat iron my hair and I’m half way through and one of the plates falls off…he only fixed one side. So now half my hair is straight and the other half is a bush…if only my hair was naturally straight…life would be so much easier in the morning.

1:00pm

Thinking about Sunday…Sunday Chris emailed me in the morning at about 9:00a (9:00p Sunday there) and said he was leaving for zell am see to stay with Al and meet with a client the next day…he said he would call me on the drive there. And, if I didn’t already mention here, he has a history of saying he’s going to call me and then not doing it. He did this about 4 or 5 times before Sunday…he’ll email me and say he’s going to call, then he’ll message me or email me later and say he left his phone card in the car, the office, his apartment…anywhere except where he is at. And granted, I know he is very forgetful at times…I witnessed this over and over again when I went to visit him…but by Sunday at 1:30p (1:30a Monday there) I was pissed. I was at the beach and I called Joanne and asked what I should do. I felt like I was doing all the calling, and what the hell is going on with him telling me he’s going to call and then never having his card? So I emailed him. A longer than usual email. Saying that when he says he’s going to call me I’m already half expecting he’s not and that when he says he’s going to call and doesn’t follow through, he’s sending the message that he doesn’t care and its not important…AND I asked if his feelings have changed…and if so, to let me know…and that I feel like I’m the only one doing all the calling…blah, blah, blah. Yeah, my name is Laura and I have trust issues.

Okay, so I press the send button. Off it goes. At what seems like the same second I press that button, I hear an alert on my phone, outside still in the beach bag, that means I have a message. My heart drops. I run to the phone. 1 message. 1 missed call. Click on the call history. Christian. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Listen to the message. “Hi…me and Al went out for awhile…I’m on my way to zell am see…wanted to talk to you…I guess you’re busy…I hope your having a good day…I’ll try again later…Miss you…”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I call him back. I ‘m laughing nervously as I explain to him what happened. At first he’s trying to say that he doesn’t do it that often (say he’s going to call and then doesn’t) but then realizes that he has…and understands how I feel…and says that he had the feeling this morning that pretty soon I was going to start to think this whole missing phone card thing was a big excuse…but that he really does lose things all the time…and I know this…and its because his focus is so much on work now and making money so he can come in the summer. And we have this long discussion about how maybe its not a good idea to call each other all the time…because then we might feel like we’re on a phone schedule and then we might call each other even when we have nothing to say…and then we’ll get bored. Or our phone bills will be so high and then we will think that maybe this relationship is just costing too much…he thinks when we call each other it should be when we have things to say…it should be special. If you love chocolate and you eat it everyday just because you have to, you get sick.

BUT, he said, that is no excuse for him being careless with his card. And he understands why I would react that way, and he’s sorry. He shouldn’t be telling me one thing and then doing another. “You are important to me…I love being with you…I love talking with you.”

“So, I shouldn’t read this email?” he said. “No.” I said.

“Hmm…maybe I read it… maybe I don’t…I don’t know.”

So last night I asked him if he read it yet and he said he didn’t. I told him not to read it…just delete, delete, delete.

He said he might want to read it just to see how I think…but that its okay, he doesn’t look at it as a bad thing…my wanting to talk to him…it’s a good thing.

I emailed him today and messaged him…and I haven’t heard from him yet…and that’s weird.

I think he read it. Maybe I just fucked everything up.

1:58p

I’m going to lunch and I don’t want to come back.

3:05p

Part of me just doesn’t give a shit cause I’m so exhausted just thinking about it, you know? What does he think? Did he read it? What is he doing? Why haven’t I heard from him? Fuck it. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so there’s just no point thinking about it, right? Amen.