sex or cigarettes?

10:47a

This blows. I hate my job. I don’t think I can take this much longer. I feel like my head is going to explode. I wonder if anyone here feels the same. Day after day just sitting in front of this fucking computer banging on keys. Eight hours of answering phones and booking other peoples vacations…its depressing. How have I managed to stay here for almost two years…

I hate being nice. I hate customer service. I think if the customer is being an asshole you should be able to be an asshole too. We should reserve the right to refuse service to assholes. We don’t need any assholes here…we have enough already. They’re called admin.

11:04a

I should stop smoking because I’ve gotten to the point where the cigarettes don’t do anything for me now…I’ve kept smoking them because they used to relieve my stress…

But now I’m still stressed out…its like I’m immune to them now. Guess I have to find something else…sex?

Hmm...but sex isn't as convenient as cigarettes...its not like I can have sex on my 15-minute break.

11:57a

Chris hasn’t called or emailed me since last night. Am I being psycho? How do you avoid being psycho when your boyfriend lives in Austria…like half a world away? What kind of retard has a boyfriend she hardly sees? Holy shit, it hasn’t even been 2 weeks since I’ve been back from visiting him and I’m losing it. And he’s not coming to Hawaii till the end of June. Why do I put myself in these situations?

12:04p

I need to quit making myself so available to him. I should not email him or call him and see how long it takes for him to take the initiative. Fuck, maybe the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible for me to not be psycho…can you call this a relationship? When it exists through emails, text messages, and phone calls? The problem is we weren’t together long enough before he left to establish trust and now I’m here and he’s there and….the bottom line: can he keep his dick in his pants?

12:15p

No, the bottom line is I hate bottom lines. It’s more complicated than that. I met him on the beach…on one of the most beautiful beaches on this earth…on a sunny day…ocean was like glass…beach was almost deserted. We talked for almost two hours and he cooked gorgonzola spaghetti for me. We ate it by candlelight. He cooked lunches for me. He told me how beautiful he thought I was. He stared into my eyes and said the most incredible things…he sketched me…he fucking sketched me! And he kissed me…and we made love and I hadn’t felt that good in…I can’t even remember. He was here for 4 months and I met him 2 weeks before he was leaving to go back to Austria (go figure). I had to wait two months till I could visit him. And I did. And this the reality:

He leaves his dirty clothes on the floor in his bathroom. He’s kind of messy. He forgets things. He has no concept of time management. He is very into fitness (and has the body to show for it) and is careful of what he eats. He doesn’t eat after 8:00p. He doesn’t eat processed foods…white rice (almost a ritual in Hawaii). He doesn’t wear deodorant. He hates shopping. He’s not really into dressing up. He still talks to girls he’s dated in the past and is in my opinion too chummy with them (ok, yeah, I accidentally checked his email once). He is very attached to his dog. He speaks “okay” English. And I wouldn’t say he’s a romantic (when we were in Venice, I wanted to ride the gondola, and granted, it IS expensive- I would have paid- but he made a funny face and called it just “a boat”). Hmm…but he was romantic when he was in Hawaii…(maybe he feels like he doesn’t need to try anymore) or maybe Hawaii makes him more romantic…

He’s smart. He’s handsome. He’s ambitious. He’s sexy. He’s disciplined. He’s well rounded. He paints. He surfs. He plays the guitar. He designs. He’s athletic. He’s making a short animated film. He’s interested in what’s going on in the world. He’s has smart opinions on most anything. He’s well-traveled. He’s a real manly man…anti-metrosexual. And I like manly men. We have good conversations. We have good sex.

Okay, the first paragraph aren’t necessarily BAD things…being fit is good…watching what you eat is good…except that my idea of exercise is walking to my parked car after work. And eating careful to me is 1 scoop of white rice and not 2. I love shopping. I love dressing up. I like to have a glass of red wine when I eat…and I don’t mind a good steak or a good drink or a good dance. And it feels so nice to wake up with him…and I get a warm feeling when he hugs me. When it was time to leave I cried and I wanted to call this fucking job and tell them to clear my desk, send my check, I’m not coming home. But…when I saw the Honolulu city lights on the airplane, I cried too. And when he smiles he reminds me of Brad Pitt.

And I should exercise more…I should stop smoking…I need to be more disciplined…and maybe I can teach him to relax a little...how to be more clean… you know…maybe he just needs some fine-tuning. I’m looking at my phone and…

Damn…its 1:04p!!!…(1:04a Thursday there) and he hasn’t called or messaged me yet. @#$%*&! Screw everything I just said.

1:40p

Maybe I should keep a flask of grey goose in my bottom drawer here at work.

1:56p

Fuck! Charmaine just called and said she can’t meet for sushi and drinks tonight…must call Joanne. And must remember to ask her for that female prozac. I need to get rid of this nervy feeling…I need a drink. I hate my phone, I hate my phone, I hate my phone!!!

3:12p

Nervy feeling has gone away. He called me on my lunch break. He was meeting with his advisor, and they started playing some video game and ended up playing for 3 hours and not getting work done. Yeah, I’ve seen him play a video game before. Its as if the world around him does not exist. He apologized. He called without his phone card cause he left it in the office. He misses me. Awww….

3:43p

Okay, I’m completely psychotic. But these are my emotions on a daily basis. Its like a mind game…and its all in my head. When I talk to him on the phone, I am the picture of calm and cool…he has no clue I’m here fucking freaking myself out…before I talk to him…during the day…I’m almost a nervous mess. I wonder if this has anything to do with Regg and being deathly afraid of being hurt like that again…hmm…a well-rounded almost renaissance man seemingly well-grounded and secure in himself meets a Hawaiian girl badly hurt in her last relationship, still insecure, a little sheltered, and still searching for herself…how do they make it work while living so far away from each other? Discuss.