meditate on the fact that life is ever changing

9:04a

Another day. Chris called me this morning on my way to work. I don’t know if it was just my imagination but it seemed like he had little to say and sounded kind of bored. And I don’t really have that nervy feeling…I’m just sad. I don’t know…there was just a lot of silences…they weren’t long…but long enough, you know? He said he is in the office and he will take his dog for a walk soon, then meet with the guy who will do the sound for his short film, then he has a student party to go to. But it was a lot (maybe not a lot, but more than enough of) “yeah….so….um….(silence).” And “do you start work soon…well, I’ll let you go…”. He did say he was tired…but then again, he said he’s going to a party too…

10:24a

I just got of the phone with Shannon… I played an April Fools joke and told her I was pregnant…we had this whole conversation about what I’m going to do for about 15 minutes before I asked her what the date was…that was fun.

10:30a

I stayed out too late last night…and I’m paying for it now. Joanne and I were at D&B when we ran into this guy I used to work with…really cool guy…he took me home once when I locked my keys in the car at the W. Yeah, he dove me all the way to Waimanalo…but anyway, he was there last night and he bought us drinks- Malibu rum and coke…I think we had a few too many because when Jo and I left, on our way to Meritage, we stopped at the gas station to get cigarettes and Jo asked the guy behind the window for a Malibu and coke. The guy just looked at her like she was crazy until she realized what she said and asked for a Benson and Hedges instead.

10:40a

And…while we were at D&B…I got some very discouraging news…L, the cool dude that took me home from W was talking to me about J, this guy we used to work with (but in a different department). The last time I was at W (in the beginning of the year), I ran into J, who told me, among other things, that he was not older than me like I thought, but 25, he’s single,…and that he is now in medical school. He bought us some drinks that night, and he asked for my number so I gave it to him just to be nice (and because I’m one of those idiot girls who can’t say no)…and he just gave me a weird feeling…he just gave me this vibe like he was trying too hard…cause he was saying shit like, “so, we should have dinner sometime (saying this with a slightly creepy look on his face) cause…I’d really like to get to know you…” And just the whole overall picture I got from him looked like he thought he was cooler than cool…(or in the words of Andre, ice cold…ha, ha). And I hate guys like that…so when he called me twice after that, I never called him back or answered his call.

Last night, L tells me that J is married (ten years), has an 8 year old daughter, is actually 3 years older than me, and is not going to medical school.

This is not good. This does not give me hope.

11:00a

I feel like I need him more than he needs me. I feel like I don’t want to talk to him or tell him I miss him or tell him how much I am happy to hear his voice. I feel like breaking up with him just so I don’t have to deal with him telling me first that its not going to work…that he doesn’t really love me or is not really in love with me. I feel maybe he was just infatuated with me when he was here…you know, cause he didn’t have to see me when I woke up with my unruly, un-flat ironed hair, no make-up, dry skin, dark circles…he didn’t know my insecurities…I was still just a pretty girl in a bikini he met on the beach. And he doesn’t really look at me the same…you know that look? I’m real now…maybe I’m too real for him now.

11:25a

He said men are visual. He likes beauty and I see it in his face sometimes when we pass a pretty girl…or see a picture…or the time we were looking at my German family website and he said of this relative I don’t know, “she’s pretty…click on her.” The day before I left we were visiting my cousin Heidi in Munich and we saw a painting of my Auntie Yette when she was young…he kept saying how beautiful she was…and she was…its obvious he likes to look at beautiful women. I mean, I know beauty isn’t everything to him, and I know he IS a man…but, I don’t know…Once, his friend came over to the apartment to visit…he wanted to meet me…and when Chris came into the living room to tell me who was at the door, he reached behind my head and pulled out my rubberband…unraveling my hair from its ponytail…telling me to let it down. It felt as if he was saying…”take your hair out…I want my friend to think you’re beautiful and you don’t look as good with your hair like that”. When I met his friend, I kind of felt like I had to give a performance. As if I was on a stage. Like, “look here, meet my Hawaiian girlfriend I met on a white sandy beach…all the way from Hawaii!” I wonder if he likes me for who I am…if he fell in love with what was on the outside…what happens when the outside doesn’t live up? You know, like I wonder if he’d still want to be with me if I gained 20 lbs…or even 10lbs…

2:50p

He called me on my lunch break but I was downstairs at Subway and I didn’t bring my phone. He left a message saying he wanted to talk to me, he was on his way home from the party and said he “drank a bit”. He giggled. Kind of wish I talked to him, kind of glad I didn’t.

3:10p

He didn’t feel like going out to drink at all when I was there…what is up with that?

3:30p

I have to go to massage class tonight and all I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and sleep my thoughts away.

4:00p

I’m reading this book by the Dalai Lama and he states that one of the four “false views”, one of the reasons we suffer and have unhappiness, is because we view things and events which are in reality impermanent and transient as permanent and unchanging. Maybe I want a guarantee that he will always be here, that he will always have feelings for me, that he will always give me that feeling of being in love, of being loved. Maybe I should realize that feelings are impermanent and that how he felt then, might not necessarily be how he feels now…and how he feels now will not necessarily be how he feels in the future. I need to not depend on things that change. And feelings change. Maybe someone can tell me how to fall in love while knowing this…