void

i can't believe that you would actually do anything to hurt me. but i'm sitting here right now and i can bearly see the screen in front of me. too many tears. i feel so stupid. i feel sick to my stomach for letting you back into my heart. can't you see, don't you know its easier for me when you don't call cause then i can pretend you never happened and that there isn't someone like you out there that i have begun to fall in love with. instead you call me and i stress YOU call ME at least twice a week just to ask me what i'm doing. 2 minute conversations with hints at a plan but one never being made. and i haven't seen you in a month but you called me last night (in the middle of season three, volume two, episode eight of sex and the city!) and i dropped everything at 1am to see you. to dance with you. to talk with you. to get that feeling again. (do you even know that feeling?) and you made some plans with me. for tonight. and i woke up happy this morning. see what makes me happy? the thought of seeing you again. yeah, you got me. and ha ha the jokes on me cause the right corner of this screen says 8:19 PM and i'm guessing that barbeques don't normally start at this hour and i'm guessing its safe to say that i'll be home tonight. and i feel so low right now, so low that i can't explain. i'm exhausted. i'm tired of all this and when i say all this i mean not just you but everyone. its better when i'm alone cause i don't get hurt. its better when you dont call me. it better when im not thinking about how i wish i was with you. and i wasnt always this way, the glass was always half full not empty when it came to love. now i see nothing but hurt, pain, confusion. i see nothing good anymore. i'm tired. i give up.