i'm trying to stuff her into the closet (but she keeps me up at night with all her knocking)

its been about 3 weeks since g and I have hung out and relationship me is once again getting reacquainted with single me. after the "talk" and after the almost-everyday call dropped to a once a week "uh, whatcha doin. yeah, i'm tired...uh, call me tomorrow. yeah-bye." after late night cuddles (or more than just a cuddle) turned to late night coffee runs at starbucks with joanne having dr. phil- type conversations tring to convince ourselves that we are okay...

joanne: "why are you so happy today? what's wrong with you."
me: "this is the face of a girl who doesn't care anymore"
joanne: "huh?"
me: "all i can do is be me. if he doesn't like it, fuck him! i'm tired of analyzing. i'm tired of waiting for him to call. i'm tired of wondering what i did wrong. fuck it.
joanne: "yeah fuck it. theres nothing we can do anymore."
me: "nothing"

pause.

joanne: (sigh)
me: (sigh)

its a struggle forgetting all that and getting back to "normal" life again. i mean, i enjoyed being single (sort of). then i meet someone i think has potential. and i actually had plans on the weekend with someone of the opposite sex. but, i wait it out a little just to be cautious. cause, you know, what if he doesn't feel the same or what if he's not the one and the fact that i've been single for so long is just making him seem so appealing right now. but he makes me feel so good and it seems so right, and i think THIS is what i'm missing, and I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE NO MORE and i find out he feels the same and everything feels good and feels right and i'm gonna tell em how i feel cause i'm not scared anymore and i want to have this butterfly feeling in my stomach all the time (or at least for the first two years) and....happy happy joy joy.

then everything stops.

and i go back to my empty bed and nights at starbucks and sitting in front of a computer screen for 8 hours a day, which i was doing when i was talking to him, but somehow it didnt seem as hellish when i knew i was going to see him at the end of the day.

and it was a shock at first. to bring out single girl again. for that girl who enjoys good conversations and movies and dinners and long walks and dancing and spontaneous making out sessions cause its so much better than sex, and who forgot how good it feels to be loved and desired and who just misses being a girlfriend...she had to go back in her closet because the reality was that this time, it would be a no go.

cause now he's scared.