words of a deperately confused person

Regg,

I'm trying to take a nap but I can't sleep. There's so many things on my mind. I want to talk to you about them, but I don't know how. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start. I have so many questions, so many doubts. I have this feeling inside of me that something just isn't right. It's like this nervous feeling that starts somewhere inside of me and spreads out to my limbs, like everything in me is trembling from the inside out. I feel in love with you yet in a way betrayed by you all at once. I look forward to being with you, yet i'm anxious at what my future holds. I can't get it out of my head. I try to make sense of it, but the feeling just won't go away. It's the feeling of being lied to. The thought that our relationship started with lies. The questions in my head that I repeat to myself over and over. The sight of you staring into my eyes telling me, "i just want to protect you" that night everything happened replays in my mind constantly. I looked into your eyes half trusting you, half wanting to believe that what you were saying was true. That you were protecting me. From who, though? From what? From Her? Or from the truth? I think about those times I didn't know where you were, the times you sat there laughing off your mom's concern about your drug problem, the night you told me you told Her about us. Then I think about the look on your face when she walked in the door...frozen. Her saying I had a boyfriend, I was nobody, just someone you were talking to, and someone you weren't even talking to anymore. Hurt, shocked, numb. How do I feel about this? How do I take this? All for love? He did it all out love for me right? That night I felt as though I didn't know you. It pains me more than you know. I want to move on. I want to forget it all but i'm scared. Sometimes I feel as though I can't reach you. That you're somehwere deep inside, somewhere underneath all the confusion and hurt. I want to understand you and sometimes I feel as though all I have are these pieces of a bigger picture that i'm trying to put together, trying to comprehend.

today i found this email that i never sent in the "drafts" folder of my hotmail account. june 6, 2001. this is to remind me of where i was almost two years ago. and where i never want to be again.