late night call

the night of my last entry i had fallen asleep at about midnight. on the futon, as usual. and at about 12:45 my cell phone rang. dust in the wind at about 2000 decibles. i jumped up and grabbed my phone. looked at it. regg it said. regg. regg. regg. it flashed. wtf? holy shit. what do i do? confused, half sleeping, half awake. i wondered why regg was calling me. just press the button. no, don't. just press it.

"hello?"
"hi."

uggh. fuck. it was s. his sister (who still lives with regg's parents where he used to live).

"so what did you want to talk about?"

i guess when i saw her at the gap and she mentioned that it looked like i had alot to say and that she'd call me, she really meant it. do i tell her that i really don't want to talk about it? of course not, because one, i'm have only half a spine, and two, deep down inside, i really did want to talk about it. not like talking to shann or jo or any of my other friends but to someone who knows him. even if deep down she really might not give a shit how i feel.

for the next hour and a half i listened to her tell me how much she can't stand his ex (whom he's with now), how he's not happy, how he really loved me, how i'm such a good person with a good heart who loved him so much, how we were in love and it showed. how his ex is conniving and used the baby to get him back. whatever. regg has a mind of his own i told her. yes, i understand his background. the life he lived. his family situation and how much he loves his daughter. but no one, no one can be talked into being with someone if they really love someone else. i don't care what she says. if i were in his situation there is no way in hell i would have been talked into not seeing regg or have bought into the threats of having the baby taken away. if i were really in love with regg or whoever i was with, it would be like, "fuck you. i don't want to be with you anymore. try take the baby away and see me in court." but did he do that? no.

all i ever wanted was the truth, i told her. if he's happy with her, thats good. i'm happy for him. when i think about him all i truly think about are the good times and i only wish that whatever he does, he's happy and he's clean. period. sure, i wish things could have ended up different, but thats life. i'm happy now. i probably needed this time to get my mind straight. in fact, i know i did.

most of the time we were on the phone she, like the self-centered person she is, didn't really let me speak and get things off my chest. yeah, she's one of those people. the kind that pretends to be concerned, asks you whats on your mind, and as soon as you speak interrupts you with her own feelings about what your saying and goes on and on.

while i was talking to her i had mixed feelings. part of me was glad that this part of my life was behind me. and the other part me wished i could call regg up to see how he was doing. if he was okay.

we finally hung up at about two in the morning with her saying, of course, "lets go out tomorrow.", "i'll give you a call.". yeah, she never called. how did you guess?