he's living with her now

tonight i went to the gap and i was picking out clothes cause they had a good sale and i need clothes for work. just as i was at the counter about to pay for my clothes i feel someone tap me on the side of my hip. i turn around, and its regg's sister. i was shocked and i think i actually gasped. i know for sure i was standing there with my mouth half open and my eyes as wide as saucers and the lady behind me shot me a weird look as i stood there while s grabbed me and gave me a big hug. she was standing there and she started talking and i don't really remember what she was saying except that she just started her own modeling agency (she used to be the director of one years ago) and blah blah blah she was teaching kids how to walk at her church and before she knew it she was doing it as a side thing and blah blah blah she's looking for an office space now and she has two girls blah blah blah.

and all the while i'm standing there i can't believe i'm talking to this woman and i feel like passing out because all the memories, all the feelings of being back in that crazy place with his crazy sister and that relationship and nights til four in the morning being with her and allowing her to drag me out to karaoke bars or to pick up weed or to go shopping at banana republic tearing the whole store apart or to stay in hotel rooms like that presidential suite at the halekulani cause she was going through a divorce and she wanted to go dancing and i wanted to please her cause i thought if i didn't she would hate me and then regg would hate me. or the time she said she wanted me to help her with her taxes and we ended up at that fucking hole in the wall karaoke bar in kailua singing "lean on me" the rehab song that she knows by heart. her voice. her annoying, whiny voice. her pushy attitude. her i-don't-know-whats-going-on bullshit when she knows exactly what shes doing. it was all coming back and my body started to quiver just thinking about it.

its just that shes the same. still full of shit. still talking a mile a minute. still saying "we gotta go out", "you gotta call me". when it really should be, "yeah i'm still living at home, i still have no friends cause its probable that no one can stand my ass and i need to go out and have a good time and you were nice to me so i'll use you for a little while." and its so fake. and she says, "and i don't know what happened to you guys. what happened? i mean, cause you know how i felt about you." in a way thats supposed to mean that she cared.

and blah fucking blah fucking blah blah blah.

and she says regg's living with his "ex" now. the mother of his daughter. the one that called me and begged me to leave him. and thats all i really hear. he's living with her now.

and i don't want to fucking think about it but i do and i remember crying and i remember laughing and i remember being there for him when he needed me. visiting him when he was in the psych ward wishing i could make everything go away. wishing we could just go away. and i'm angry for him telling me all those things about his life and his past, angry for caring and wanting so much to make things better. for thinking that i actually could. i couldn't do a damn thing about it. why did he let me into his life in that way and then shut me out? how could you tell someone your darkest secrets and then let them go?