needy girl

before i heard from v, everything seemed to be going fine, and they are in many ways. i was volunteering at the at-risk program, i have pretty much accepted or gotten over my drama with regg (though i really don't know what to make of that dream i had the other night), i've landed a job, like what is there to complain about, really? before i heard from v, i really didn't feel a need to be with someone of the opposite sex except during times when i felt like the third wheel, or when i went to parties and such and found myself in couple-hell.

i didn't really think of v all that much. i would see him driving around or visiting a friend that lives close to me once in a while. i saw him at club last year and we talked and we flirted, but that was it. when i'd see him, i wondered about him. wondered how he was doing, wondered if he was getting his life together. other than that, i never had the urge to call him (i would never do something like that anyway).

and now, ever since those two nights we spent together, i can't get him out of my mind. and i think its because it made me feel good to feel wanted again. its been about seven months since i last talked to regg and about the same amount of time since i was dating paul. and, i don't know, all i can say is that being with him felt good. just to be with him. to have him lay in my lap and just talk. it felt nice.

now i feel like i need it. like i need someone to be with. and ultimately, what does this say about me? that being in a relationship or being with someone of the opposite sex, dating, makes me feel good about myself? i'm twenty five, shouldn't i be over that shit? how fucked up is that? i don't want to need this. but if i had the choice to spend another night at shann's house hearing stories about her asshole boyfriend and her fucked up relationship or be cuddled up with v talking and enjoying each others company, it would be a no brainer. i would be with v. or if i had a choice to go out with the girls or be with v, i would be with v. i'm tired of clubbing already. i'm just tired of that shit.

and i don't know if its that i want to be with him or that i want be with someone. and if he wanted to hang out he would've called. and everytime my cell rings i'm hoping its him. its so fucked up!