what does it all mean?

theres nothing i can do and keeping myself in the past won't do me any good, right?

i just miss him sometimes.

he'd do things like dance with me in the middle of ala moana shopping center. spin me around and not even care that everyone was staring at us.

he'd walk into a room and announce to everyone in it how beautiful he thought i was and asked everyone there that didn't they agree.

i loved it most when he held me. i could have stayed there forever.

those are the things that keep me there. the very things i have to let go of. its the feeling of being loved. i was high on it.

and the thing is, it wasn't perfect. we had alot to deal with but i don't remember that stuff, you know? that's not what i think of. all i remember are the good times.

maybe that what i need to start doing. remembering the hard times, why it couldn't work.

sometimes i wish i could just move somewhere far away from here. oh who am i kidding, i love hawaii.

i really feel like a part of me has changed forever since meeting regg. i am not the same person i was before. i don't quite know how to articulate it, but, something inside me feels...broken? more cynical?

and yes, those are not good things. i'm pretty much saying right here that regg changed me for the worse. so why do i feel the way i do? maybe its not he who changed me but the outcome of the relationship. the disappointment and hurt that makes me think twice about jumping into another one.

what i do know is that it if it weren't for this i wouldn't have known how much i really need to find myself. because ultimately, if i had known myself, this relationship wouldn't have thrown my world upside down the way it did. but who really knows themselves at my age, anyway? and what does knowing yourself really mean?

i don't even know what i'm talking about.

i just miss him.