breaking me

this morning i woke up from the couch and crawled into bed next to my mom like i do most mornings because the sun doesn't shine in her room.

she rolled over and hugged me and kissed me on my cheeks and i couldn't remember the last time she did that. i fell asleep and woke about two hours later with my mom telling me "guess what! you're going to vegas!". she was so excited i thought we won publishers clearing house or something. turns out my dad is feeling generous and is going to pay my fare to go with them, tutu, and five other people in my family this may. what a dad. i felt happy and lucky.

then i got up and changed my clothes to head out to town and to the travel agency to see if there was any availability on the same flight. just as we were heading out of waimanalo and passing the 7-11, i thought i saw what looked like regg's car. and in that same quick glance i seen the side of a guy standing at the atm machine through the window. second take over my left shoulder and i saw what looked like a guy in basketball shorts and a tank top. it was him.

it was okay. for about two minutes. then i just started to cry. the whole weirdness of it all. how i was with him and he meant the world to me and all the things we went through together and all the secrets he shared and...and how this is how it is now...he's just some guy i just passed in my car on the way to town.

and how it just ended and what did it all mean and was it anything at all or was i just nothing to him? nothing. he's just some guy standing in a 7-11 grabbing some cash from the atm now. i never heard from him again. i just never heard from him.

and as if it couldn't get any worse, as if this was all a part of some weird plan, shann calls me up on my cell phone to tell me that she heard he got back together with his ex.

i hung up with her and i don't even know why but i couldn't help myself, i couldn't stop myself from just letting it all go. fuck him. fuck him if he wants her. fuck him and all his fucking lies. i meant nothing to him. i meant nothing. my mind raging and my heart breaking at the same time. fists pounding and tears streaming.

i felt weightless. numb. and i don't know why. i can't even tell you.

when i got home, i was looking under my bed for a book and found one of regg's old shirts. i picked it up and held it to my nose. like him, the smell was gone.