nightmares by the sea

i've been in some weird moods lately. i can't even find the right words, really. i guess you could say i'm happy now with the way things are going. working with the kids. getting jobs from adr (the modeling agency) and income coming in. i think i'm on my way to finding myself. whatever that means. but somehow i feel something is missing.

last week i had two strange dreams one night. one involved falling in love again with a certain actor in the weirdest place: my old job, the hotel. all my old hotel friends were there...including grant. at the end of my dream i was following this actor to his room and while i was in the elevator, it (like in all my other dreams) began spinning out of control until the cables fell loose and it went crashing down. usually i wake before i hit the bottom. this time i didn't.

in the other dream i was in a dark, ashy, hot, room with a few other people that i don't recognize. there is a window. and i think there is a fire outside. a man in the room is reading from a book and i don't remember what he was reading but it wasn't pleasant. whatever words he read were upsetting because i cried and cried and the other people in the room were screaming. suddenly he throws the book out the window into the fire and it explodes. i stand up and bolt from the room through a door which leads me to another room with a door which leads to another and another and another. i can't get out. i wake up, its 2:15, and my heart is racing.

what is going on with me? whats missing? does it have anything to do with regg? did this relationship have that much of an effect on me? is it something else? is it being alone? maybe i miss being with someone. having someone there.

but i want this time. i want this time alone to figure things out. figure what out i have no idea exactly but i just feel like i need to do it. i don't want to depend my happiness on another person.

yet i want to feel. but if i feel i might love and if i love i might get hurt. is it possible to love someone without the risk of hurt? of feeling that if you lose that person your whole world would fall apart? i don't think it is.

i guess when it comes down to it i just don't want to be hurt again. i'm scared to death of it.