letting go

feeling better today though i had another dream about him last night. i don't know what it is thats making me think of him more often than usual. i mean, theres always something that makes me think of him at least once throughout the day but not enough to dwell on. not enough to notice. i have my moments i guess. is this normal? is it weird? does it mean anything? i don't know. who cares. i'm tired of thinking about it already.

i'm sure once i (hopefully) get this job with the state everything will fall into place again. back to normal. start saving money to study abroad in paris or london next summer. thats my hope. i've just got too much time on my hands now. too much time to dwell on things i have no control over.

i know whats right. i know its ridiculous to be fretting over this kind of thing. i think i'm too much of a romantic. or maybe i'm just an idiot. romantic idiot?

maybe i thought the world of him and i'm still holding to that image. he's unlike anyone i've ever known and i can honestly say i'll never meet anyone like him again. ever. but it wasn't perfect. and i need to remember that. i need to remember the nights i lay awake crying not knowing where he was. the nervousness. the confusion.

maybe i make excuses for him. his problems. maybe i'm holding on to what could have been instead of remembering what was.

he was pure joy to be around when things were good. and they were more good than bad, i think. maybe i'm still chasing that feeling. of pure happiness and laughter and not being able to imagine spending your life with anyone else. i felt that with him. i want to feel it again.

i'm so torn. and its weird because i'm torn with an idea. a memory. a feeling. i could hate him if i really tried but i don't. and i guess i don't really have to. i should just take it as it is, right? a year spent with an amazing person who taught me alot of lessons in life and love, happiness and pain. a person with whom i will forever have memories shared.

i think i make no sense sometimes.

it is what it is and i need to just accept that.