trying to be optimistic

I'm looking out my window now and theres a full moon outside so bright its shining through the jalousies and into my room. Makes me wish I had someone to enjoy it with. When I was with Regg that was one of my favorite things to do...sit at Makapu'u beach on a clear night like this, stare out into the sky and just talk.

Its been a month now since I've heard from him. He didn't even call me on Christmas. Sometimes I think about it and start to cry but mostly I just try to clear it out of my head. I don't want to go back to that place. I don't.

Never in my life have I been hurt this way. Before Regg I was with Rob for six years, he's the only relationship I've ever really had...and now, I just feel changed in a way. More cynical...about love, about men, about relationships. And I hate it. Every guy I meet...casually...like at parties, through friends...I don't look at in the same way. They're all players, they're all cheating, they're all assholes.

I don't want this situation to change me but its hard. I understand now what all my friends were talking about when I was with Rob. I'd always be the one to say...look at Rob...he's a nice guy...you'll find someone...theres someone for everybody. Always the optimist. Now I'm not so sure.

I suppose I do still have some of that idealism left in me...the romance. I don't want to let that go. If I do, then Regg would have got the best of me.