its okay, you can call me a shallow bitch

Grr...I am way too lazy to even look at the rings page, I'll save it for another day. I learned how to do links today...yay me! I know all of you html know-it-alls are laughing at me right now, but I don't care. I was reading Maile's (woop, woop...a link) latest entry and when I came to the part where she was talking about Yardley's soap, I was like...hmm, let me see how she did that link. Right Click. View Source. And there it was. So thanks Maile, you just gave me my html lesson for the day...:) Hope you don't mind.

Last night I had a very emotional conversation with Paul. See, after that last time I was at his house (when I broke down) about a month ago, we both came to this understanding that I have alot of things I need to work on. At that time I hadn't heard from Regg yet and didn't know what was going on with our relationship. Basically, I was a mess. Sometimes I still am. Even now I don't know what the hell is going on and I really need to be concentrating on going back to school and finding a job. Just getting back on top of things, simply put.

Anyhow, since a month ago, we've just been friends. I haven't gone over to his house and only seen him three times since then. Once when everyone came over to barbeque when my parents were gone, once at the beach, and on Saturday at Char's house. We talk on the phone maybe two or three times a week...about nothing real important...just talking about what we did that day and stuff.

Well, since last week he has been acting a little strange when I talk to him on the phone. Contradicting himself...not making any sense. Sometimes to the point where I'd just get real annoyed with him. I'd ask him if anything was wrong and he'd say things like, "Yes...everythings wrong. The whole world is wrong. No, I'm kidding. Nothings wrong." So I'd just be thinking, "What the fuck?"

So last night he calls me and he's drunk. Conversation was normal at first. What did you do today...that kind of stuff. But then, about 20 minutes into the phone call he starts talking about how he misses me. And I'm thinking its the vodka and it probably was...but the more he spoke the more serious it got. I tried my hardest to change the topic but he'd ignore everything I said. Before I knew it, he was pouring his whole heart out right on the phone.

He's basically telling me that he's been trying to play off his feelings for me and just be friends but its hard to do...he's miserable without me...when he's not talking to me he can't get me out of his head...if he's not with me he just won't be happy...he's so comfortable around me...when I'm around he acts strange because he doesn't know how to act and he can't stop looking at me and he's afraid I'm going to think he's nuts...he feels like he's just hoping against hope...and he loves me...he just wants me to know that...and he's sorry...sorry for everything.

During that time he's crying and telling me he just doesn't know what to do. And I don't know what to say because I'm shocked, I can't believe he's crying-sobbing, and I didn't know that he felt that way about me. I mean, to THAT extent.

All I can say to him is that I appreciate his honesty...I'm at a loss for words...don't know what to say...but that I am in no position to be in a relationship right now...I have alot I need to work on...this whole thing with Regg is still floating in the air...I need to straighten things out...I need to focus on school...on work...maybe we shouldn't talk anymore...I don't want you to be hurt...you're basically telling me that if I'm not with you you're not happy and theres nothing I can do...I enjoy your company...I want to be friends...but I just can't be with anyone right now.

I mean, gosh, I didn't know what to say! He just kept sobbing and saying he didn't know what to do and that he has no one to talk to about it. I take partial responsibilty for what has happened...I was very screwed up and confused at the time...but he knew the day I met him...two days after Regg went to rehab...the situation I was in. I have been completely honest with him from the start.

So after a while, after saying all he had to say, we hung up. I don't know if he'll call me back or what but I really think its best if we don't talk anymore. Its going to be hard being that we have mutual friends...I just don't know what else to do. I wish it didn't have to be that way but I don't see any other option.

And I started thinking, why do I not want to be with Paul? Besides all the obvious reasons, if things in my life we're going good, and Regg was completely out of the picture, is Paul someone I want to be with? Although Paul is a very sweet guy, and someone I know would do anything to make me happy, for some reason I'm not attracted to him in that way. And its weird because he's very handsome. He's 6'1"...hawaiian/caucasian...he has nice green eyes and brown hair...he's tan...he has a nice build...he has a good job. I mean, what, am I retarded?

I can't think of any reason besides that we don't "click". We don't have that spark...that something. I mean, I get along well with him...but I get along well with everybody so that doesn't say much. And also, okay...I'm just going to say it...I know it may sound a little mean...but, whatever. Its the truth. He's uneducated. He didn't graduate from high school and dropped out in the 10th grade (his parents actually let him), but he has told me that he kind of stopped going to school from the 8th grade. He keeps up with current events and all that kind of stuff and I'm not saying he's stupid or anything. But, sometimes when I'm talking to him about something...maybe about stuff most people know of...he has no clue. I've been encouraging him to go back and get his G.E.D., but I think he's kind of wary. Last night, he told me about how he panicked the other day when his boss wanted him to write a simple memo for someone on a board at work...he had to call his brother in law and get help because he said he hasn't been to school and he can't spell.

And something about him tells me he has a dark past...that he's been through alot...and he has things that he's holding on to...within him. I can see it in his eyes. Its strange, he is, in alot of ways sort of an intovert and a little lacking in social skills. Something tells me its because he hasn't been around people much, just his family and a few friends.

I know, I know! I'm so bad! He's a very nice guy, a sweet person, but it kind of bothers me. Believe me, I am no kind of brainiac, but I just feel like he's not...he's just not someone I could see myself with.

Am I just shallow? I don't know, I could be, but thats how I feel.