blessed

Whew...just came back from Tutu's (grandma) house and our weekly Sunday get together. Had a huge plate of ono (delicious) food. Salmon, eggplant cooked in a Korean barbeque sauce, beef broccoli, chow mein...and for dessert haupia (a sort-of pudding but more solid like jello, made from coconut milk) cake. And now I'm sitting here in front of my computer with a definite case of polynesian paralysis. Oh God, I'm so stuffed. I love eating and I love food. Thats why I would never be a good model. I love eating too much. I seriously would rather eat whatever I want and be happy than starve myself on salads and no rice...I did that and I was not a happy camper.

I absolutely love my family. When I'm at Tutu's house I forget about everything and remember why I am so blessed. That house means so much to me. It sits on an acre lot walking distance from the beach. In addition to Tutu's house, there are 2 other houses on the same lot in which 2 of my uncles and their wives live. A few houses down the street on another lot my Tutu owns, sits a house with another uncle who lives with my cousin. And then 2 streets down is my great-grandfather's house where another one of my cousins live with her family. So, this is the environment in which I grew up. Surrounded by family and cousins galore. Memories of family gatherings, days at the beach, easter egg hunts, Christmas...every Sunday we sit in the back patio area and talk and drink wine with the cool wind in our hair and the sound of waves crashing on the beach. I am so blessed. So blessed.

And you would think with a family that big (my Tutu and Papa had 9 children in all) we would have all the stupid arguments and pettiness that are usually common with large families, but we don't. We never really have. My uncles and aunties have inheirited the calm, gentle, loving temperment of my Tutu and the caring and quiet sterness of my Papa. They really have instilled in all of us a great sense of family...and it is an immeasurable gift.

I didn't really think about all this until I met Rob (my ex-boyfriend) and saw and felt and lived all the emotional effects of being raised in fear. Fear of your own physically and mentally abusive, drug-addicted father. Part of the reason why we broke up was because after 6 years I was just mentally and emotionally drained. No matter what I did, I could never love him enough. His heart had a whole that could never be filled. His family broke apart and he didn't know where his father was. His brother was in jail. So I was his mother, his sister, his friend, his girlfriend. He depended on me for everything...at a time when I was supposed to be finding myself. Torward the end I didn't even feel like a lover anymore...but like a sister...a friend. I don't know. He's a beautiful person though, and I will always love him.

Both Rob and Regg have lived completely different lives than I have. Like night and day. And sometimes I wonder why it is I've attracted people with a past filled with such pain...hurt. Even Paul. Regg has told me that he envies the life I have lived. My family life, that is. He says I have a different way of thinking...very non-judgemental and loving. I don't know, maybe thats part of it.

I never really grew up spoiled with material things. I mean, its not like I went without stuff...but I always had what I needed. A roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, good education, and love. Thats all that matters, really. It makes me sad knowing that the two people I have loved in my life didn't have much of those things. Well the most important one of all at least, love.

Times like these I got to step back for a moment...leave my pity party for a second and count my lucky stars. When all is said and done, I still have Tutu's house, I still have my memories of easter egg hunts and summers at the beach. I still have my family.