waste of a friday night

Okay, Friday night sucked big time. All Ang's talk about having a girl's night was just that, talk. First off, we went to this karaoke bar to meet her (I don't even know what to call him) friend/going out buddy/sex partner to just show face and "have one drink". While there, she ends up making plans for us to meet up with them at Zanzabar (of all places). So after the karaoke bar, we go to Mai Tai-which was way too crowded- for about half an hour before she says that we should better go. So this is how my night ended...sitting on a freaking stool in Zanzabar wondering how I got there and being reminded by all the couples who were in the group we met up with how unbelievably shitty my romantic situation is at this moment.

Pretty thoughtless thing for her to do...knowing what I'm going through right now. But I should have known better.

And of course, I run into former co-workers at Mai Tai who just cannot wait to ask me how Regg is doing and if we're still together.

And you know, I look at all my entries in my diary, and practically every one of them is about him. And I wonder why it is I make my relationships such a big part of my life. Notice I don't talk much about anything else...I mean, there are other things going on, things that I think about...but whats the main focus? WHO's the main focus? Regg. It scares me. It really does. I need to somehow take that focus and concentrate it on another aspect of my life. Like school. Like work. Like damn girl, get a life.

I want to be stronger. I want to be so stable that if a relationship I'm in doesn't work out, I can look at it with the proper perspective and carry on. But I put so much of myself into Regg. Mentally. Emotionally. Being there for him. Seeing his pain. So much so that my reaction would pretty much be inevitable if things were to go astray. I set it up that way.

So what does this mean? Don't get so attatched next time? Don't put myself out there emotionally? Don't be the person I am? I mean, I feel like this but at the same time I don't want this situation to harden me...make me bitter...change me for the worse. And I certainly would not want to bring a whole load of baggage to the next relationship. Next relationship. Those words. Is this one over?

God, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh at how ridiculous all this sounds or cry because I'm so damned confused...because I'm scared...scared for myself.