girl interrupted

Today I'm feeling rather...hmmm...just rather fucking blah. I'm stuck in this weird place where one moment I am close to tears and the next I'm angry. I don't know if angry is the right word. Fed up. Confused. I don't know. Whats the source of this fed-up confusion? Hmmm...could it be...Regg? Could it be because on Thanksgiving he stopped by to drop off my camera and told me he'd call me that night and didn't? Could it be because when he dropped it off he asked me if we were still going to get together on Sunday yet I've had no word from him since? And its Thursday. Its fucking Thursday.

I mean, I'm getting to the point where I'M tired of hearing myself. I think I need some kind of fucking help or something. (god, i wish i had a smoke and some wine) I mean, fuck, am I just some kind of idiot? Am I just stuck in some kind of sick, twisted game? Could he be that evil? Could he be that twisted? That conniving? I have day dreams sometimes where I see myself telling him off. "I'm not waiting around for you anymore, Regg! I'm on to your game! I deserve better! You asshole! You motherfuckin sick twisted asshole!"

What is it? What the fuck is it? What?! What is it about him?! We've had conversation about this. Like, he doesn't even understand why I'm with him. And I'd always be like, "What? Why?" and tell him all the reasons why I love him. I'd attribute his lack of faith to some kind of self-esteem issue...not believing he's loved...blah blah blah...a result of his childhood...where his life is right now. But what if it's not...what if he doesn't understand because he knows the whole story? HE knows what kind of person he is...HE knows what he's doing...HE knows the things I see past. Am I making sense? What I'm saying is, maybe he doesn't understand why I love him, why I'm with him, because he sees something or has done something or is DOING something that warrants him to feel that he isnt deserving of me. WHAT IS IT?

Duh...hmm...maybe that he hasn't called since last Thursday. Maybe because he makes you trust him, then turns around and betrays that trust. Cries to you, tells you that he loves you, and all the other good stuff...then makes plans with you and doesn't bother to call. Fuck! I'm so angry! I don't know, angry at him or angry at myself... God, could he be that fucking cruel? Could he be that fucking conniving? It would be just so horrendous. So unbelievable.

Yes, to answer your question, I AM losing my mind.