the call

So much has happened in the last few days I don't know where to start. Right now I'm still processing these thoughts in my head, so I might not make any sense...wait, I think I need to go outside and smoke a cigarette before I start on this...it's gonna be a long one.

Okay. Well, after about three weeks of not hearing from Regg, three weeks during which I tortured myself, cried, tried to move on, and eventually talked myself into believing I was okay, he called. Saturday. Needless to say, I was in complete shock. I so believed I was never going to hear from him again that when I heard his voice on the other line I could not even recognize it was him.

At first I was pretty much speechless. The first thing he said was, "How are you?" How am I? What kind of fucking question is that? Well, lets see, for the first few days after we last talked, when we decided to take some to time to think about what we were going to do about this relationship I was miserable. Then when I didn't hear from you on the day we were supposed to get together and have our "talk" I went out on the weekends and got stoned and drunk. Then I acted out by hooking up with someone who thinks he's in love with me. And I finally gathered up as much strength as I could muster so I could come to some kind of supposed closure and move on with my life. Now, after all this, you call.

Of course, I didn't say all that. All those things were running through my head while I asked questions like, "Where are you?" What's going on?" And he just called to find out how I was doing. Regg! We have issues we need to talk about, and you want to ask me what I've been up to? What the fuck? Obviously, he was very mistaken to believe that I was psychic and knew exactly why he didn't call me. And he was mistaken to believe that he was actually going to call me up and have a simple catch-up conversation. So he made a quick exit by saying he was on his friend's cellular (which he was) and he'd call me back on a pay phone. Apparently, he thought this was a type of conversation you could have on someone else's cell phone.

When we hung up I sat there and just broke down. All these emotions rushed back. Why is he calling me? Why is he doing this? About 2 hours went by and I didn't hear from him. Thank God Char called...she picked me up and I spent the night at her house.

The next morning he called. And he didn't sound well. By that time, my mood had softened and I wasn't angry anymore. I just wanted answers. I just wanted to know the truth. He was in a Waikiki hotel room and he wanted to know if I'd meet him for lunch. Suspiciously, I asked him what he was doing in a hotel room and was he staying there alone. He said he rented it alone and he just wanted to get away. Everything’s so fucked up he said. So fucked up.

Two hours later, I’m walking towards him in the hotel lobby. He looks good. Healthy. As we’re walking all my feelings of anger and hurt seemingly leave my body and I’m simply happy to see his face again. Maybe I should have been mad, but that’s how I felt. We hugged each other for what seemed like forever and as we waited for the elevator to arrive, he pulled me close and put his head on my shoulder. I could feel the wet from tears that passed through my shirt and settled on my skin. What could this be, I thought. Why is he crying?

We went to have lunch at Cheeseburgers In Paradise, and during lunch things got emotional. I started to say how much I was hurt, how I didn’t understand why he never called...and he, trying to explain himself, started to get emotional too. We were both sitting there, tears running down our faces right in the restaurant. We tried to eat but the food just wasn’t tasting good. We figured this wasn’t working and took the rest of our food to go and went back to the hotel room.

All night we talked. All night and all the next day. The last day that we had spoke to each other (3 weeks ago), when we decided we were going to take time to think about our relationship and if it was better to take time away to get our lives together, he went back to treatment already knowing what it was we should do. He saw how much all of his problems were affecting me, and though I would have been there with him, supporting him all the way, he didn’t want to be the cause of my unhappiness. The cause of me putting my life on hold. He decided the best thing to do was to let me go...he knew that if we spoke again, I wouldn’t understand...that I would still insist that we could go through this together. So, he decided not to call.

Then on Friday he saw me walking out of Safeway with Paul. He was sitting in his brother’s car, looked up, and saw me walking along with a bottle of wine and a pizza in my hand. I looked happy he said. At first he felt a little happy for me...maybe she found someone who could make her happy, he thought. Then when he got home, everything hit him. I lost her. I lost her for good. She’s moved on. Saturday he went to the place where we used to work together, and former co-workers of ours told him they saw me at various places with some haole (white) guy. Pipeline. Dave & Busters. That’s when he called.

At first, all I could think of and all I could say was, “So what, cause you think i’m moving on, cause you saw and heard that I was with some haole guy, you call me? That’s the reason why you called? So what, its okay when you think, when you KNOW that i’m home miserable...but as soon as you hear that i’m out doing things, you call?” I figured you just didn’t care...I was miserable for a while and then I forced myself into thinking I wasn’t going to hear from you again. I forced myself to think you just didn’t give a fuck...just so I could move on. Just so it wasn’t something that I thought of at every waking moment. What else was I supposed to do? What else was I supposed to think?

He understood why I was angry, and he didn’t blame me for thinking how I did. But that’s exactly what he didn’t want me to feel. That he didn’t care...that he didn’t give a fuck. That’s why he said he called. He wanted me to know how he felt and why he didn’t call me. He wanted me to know that there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. That if I found someone that made me truly happy, it would hurt him, but he would be happy for me. That it was okay. He doesn’t want me to hurt anymore. He doesn’t want me to be unhappy. He just wanted me to know that’s how he felt. He wants more than anything to be with me, but he can’t right now. He can’t. It would be the easy thing to do...to have me there for him...going through all his problems, all his turmoil... with him. To have me there so he could talk to me when he needs to. Have me going through all this with him. To have a lopsided relationship...where I am there for him, but emotionally, he’s not there for me. Its a risk he’s taking, the risk of losing me, he said. But its something that he has to do. He knows that no matter what he will always want me to be a part of his life...whether we are together or not.

There were alot of things he was going through right now, he said. Fear of how things will be when he gets out of treatment. Fear of failure, of disappointing the people who believe in him. Dealing with the pain he has about his childhood.

I didn’t understand at first. Deep down, I knew what he was saying was true but I didn’t want to accept it. What’s the REAL reason, I thought. Was it his ex? Was he wanting to work things out with her? Was he saying all this as a cop out for the REAL reason? Why wouldn’t he want me there for him? Why wouldn’t he want me to stick it out? Stupid! I’m such a selfish, insecure, idiot at times. On one hand, I do know how much this is affecting me, and I understand how important it is for me to take time and get my life back on track. How he needs time too. And on the other hand, i’m telling myself, this is not the real reason why he feels I need time...the real reason is he wants to get back with his ex and he doesn’t want me to know the truth. Why not just believe him? He’s sitting there, in front of me, crying, telling me how hard this is for him to do. And it just doesn’t sink in. Just won’t sink in.

We stayed up practically the whole night, and on Monday we spent the day together. He took me to eat at our favorite place, Assagio’s. Then we sat on a bench and just talked. Talked about what we’ve been doing...we laughed...we cried. At one point, he looked at me and said, “You don’t know what this does for me...being with you. You make me happy. You make me feel like I can do anything. I don’t know why it is...you just do that for me. I can talk to you and you listen. You don’t try to solve my problems, you don’t try to give me answers. You think this is easy for me, it’s not. You are the only person I have. The only one I can talk to.” Tears ran down his face. “I don’t want this day to end.”

I think it was at that moment that I believed him. I believed that he truly loved me and was doing this for my own good...for my happiness. I hugged him and said, “I understand. I understand.” After that, it was like a weight lifted from me. We walked around, and later ate AGAIN at Alan Wong’s. He said he felt like eating dessert, but we each had a poi bowl instead. We talked and talked...I can’t believe how much we talked. And we laughed...we had such a good time...it was like how it was before...when things were good.

The hardest moment was saying goodbye. He said he would keep in touch. We just sat there and looked at each other and cried. God, we cried a lot. We just didn’t want it to end. But we both know what we have to do. We knew what was right.

That night, he called me.

“I’m having a hard time“ he said, “This is so hard.”
“I know. I think because we had such a good time today.”
“Yeah.” he said, tearfully.
“Friday, I’ll stop by to give you some money.” he said.
“My parents are going to Vegas this weekend.”
“Really? Hmm...maybe we can spend two more days together.” he said.
“Yeah...what’s one last weekend?”
“Yeah...you can cook for me, you can FINALLY cook dinner for me...we can go shopping for food...yeah, hang out....it’ll be fun.” he said.
“Yeah, what’s a couple days...we both know what it is we need to do.”
“Yeah.” he said.
“So its a deal.”
“Yeah!” he said.
“Okay.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow...when I get my car.” he said.
“Okay.”
“I got to go, I’m not supposed to be on the phone.” he said.
“Okay.”
“Okay.” he said.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow....I love you. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, I love you.” he said.
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

“Tomorrow” was yesterday. He didn’t call. And maybe he won’t tomorrow. And maybe I won’t see him this weekend. We just didn’t want the day to end. We just wished it could be like that everyday, forever. But we know what we need to do. And its okay. I’m okay.