life lessons and john cusack

Today was a gloomy day, cloudy, rainy, dark and overcast...just the way I like it. See, in Hawai'i where its sunny most of the year, we appreciate cold rainy days like this one. Simply because its a change of scenery.

So what did I do today? I stayed home and watched John Cusack movies. Better Off Dead (above), Sure Thing, and Say Anything. They were all on TV today, can you believe? I love John Cusack...I don't know what it is about him. He's not this drop dead gorgeous guy like say, I don't know, Benjamin Bratt? But there's something really smart and witty yet boyish about him. His eyes, he has kind eyes. I don't know, but if I could find my own Lloyd Dobbler, I would die a happy woman.

Right now, I'm feeling really good and I don't want to come down from it. I've made it my challenge to make myself happy and not depend on anyone else to do it for me. I'm going to get myself a good job, go back to school, start dancing again, and just get my ass in gear. I'm not going to let Regg fuck me up anymore.

I don't want to depend on anyone but myself. When I was with Regg, my happiness depended on him. If things weren't going good, I wasn't happy. I wasn't just not happy, I was miserable...couldn't sleep, couldn't work, couldn't go to school. Couldn't do shit. I can't control him, only myself. There's no guarantees in life or in love- I have to learn that.

I am starting to get angry. Finally, I am starting to get mad and question things.

Now I'm just praying to God he WON'T call me. I just don't want to get pulled under all over again. I don't think I would get through it.