again

i went to paul's last night. he called me, then came over and picked me up. why i do this...probably a combination of things. being lonely. wanting to be with someone whose company i enjoy. i knew it probably wasn't a good idea, being what happened halloween. the temptation would be there. but, of course, the idiot i am, i say fuck it and go anyway.

on the way there, we stop at safeway to buy a bottle of wine
and some cigarettes (for me)
and about 15 minutes after we get to his house
his brother and brother's girlfriend leave to do some shopping
we start talking about
all kinds of stuff, mostly politics
i have never really had this kind of conversation with him
and i wanted to see his view on things

anyway,
while this is going on
the wine is disappearing
the ashtray is nearly full
and i'm beginning to feel a little buzz
we manage to finish off the huge bottle in about an hour and a half
after his brother comes home
we eat
i clean up
and he's standing in the hallway motioning me over
he walks to his bedroom and sits on the bed

still a little buzzed, i sit down next to him
and we have this playful cat and mouse type of conversation
he sort of hinting at sex
me making pretend i have no clue
i lay back and my head is spinning
and somehow i start talking about not being ready for a relationship
needing time
and all of the other things he's heard before

he,
trying to state his case
that if it feels right, it is
and if i'm there
it must mean something
and i say "i need time"
and he says well what if HE took time too
but really telling me "hey i'm not going to wait around here"
and i say "if thats what you need."

its quiet
and i look up at his face(he's lying next to me)
he's staring at the ceiling and a tear is running down his face
right then i felt like dying
i scoot over next to him
bury my face on his shoulder and hold him
repeating that i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
for about 5 minutes he doesn't say a word while tears are flowing
then he says fuck it and aplogizes
i lift my head, look into his eyes, and kiss him

why did i do that

so you imagine what came after
all throughout, my mind is racing between how good he feels and how bad this is
how good he feels and how bad this is
how bad this is overrides how good he feels
and suddenly my emotions take over
and i burst into tears

i'm sobbing
crying like there's no tomorrow
and he's holding me
telling me its gonna be okay
and i just can't stop
he covers me with a sheet
lays down next to me
strokes my hair and lets me cry
his voice is soothing as he says to let it all out
and thats exactly what i did

all the sorrow, the frustration, the disappontment, the disbelief
everything comes out and i just can't stop
and he listens
he holds me
and he listens
he knows this isn't right
we can't pretend that i'm over this yet
that everythings okay
that being together makes us feel good and thats all that matters
we know this
we are just choosing to ignore it
and we can't anymore

he held me
he told me to take my time
he told me he will always be there for me
he grabbed my head and kissed me on my eye
and i felt good
i felt light and i felt good

i'm speechless
he was there for me last night
i really didn't know how much he cared
i had no idea

its scaring me
how much i'm allowing this situation
with regg
take over my life
and cause me to just throw everything to the wind

i am coming to the conclusion
that i just don't know who i am