paul

fuck, he knows what kind of things i'm going through right now...
i've told him this many times...
how many times have we discussed this?
how can he think that my feelings would change overnight?
that i would feel any less fucked up and any less confused?
i have this relationship just floating in the air...
i can't get into another one right now...
i can't...
i mean, its not even over...
and i still love regg...
i don't know.
does this mean i don't love him?
look what i've got myself into...
as if things weren't confusing enough before...

i put myself there...
i could have stopped it...
i could have.
and i didn't...
it felt so nice...
but, god, i know its not love...
i know its not!
why would he think things are different now?
i'm such a bitch.

if the roles were reversed...
i'd be the asshole guy, right?
but he knew what the deal was...
i never hid the truth from him...
he knew everything...

am i just an idiot?
he probably thinks i am.
"i'd never do that...how could anyone choose drugs over you?"
i mean, its not that simple...
its just so fuckin complicated...
you know what i told you...
you know how i feel about regg...
and you know the situation i'm in...
but you don't know him...
you don't know what regg's been through...
you've never seen us together...
his drug use has nothing to do with his feelings for me...
maybe you wouldn't medicate yourself that way...
but your'e not him.

god, i sound like one of those idiot girls who stick around in abusive relationships...
"but its not like that...you don't know him."
i've heard the same thing from JoAnne many times before...
and look at me...
look at me.

he's not abusive...
but maybe this relationship is...
emotionally...

i just can't get into another relationship right now.