a little bit easier, huh?

As each day passes it gets a little bit easier to accept that I probably won't speak to you again. I have my moments when something reminds me of you...a song, a memory, a movie. But I've come rather good at blocking any memory of you out of my mind as soon as it arises. And its not that I don't miss you and its not that I don't still love you. Its just that it hurts too much to think about. And I don't want to put myself back in that place. Its just too much.

Saturday was spent with Paul at his sister's house. I played crickett or croquet or whatever you call it for the first time, listened to music, talked, had a few beers, and basically just enjoyed being somewhere else and doing something that took my mind off of everything. Paul, B, and I hitting these balls across the yard while getting sloshed on Steinys...its kind of a funny site now that I look back on it.

That night we all went to Dave and Busters and then to Pipeline (two weekends in a row, I must be sick or something) to dance cause damn, I just felt like dancing everything away. At Pipeline, I saw the most beautiful guy. I spotted him from about 20 feet away standing on the side of the dancefloor drinking a Corona. He wore some kind of yellow shirt...or maybe it was a pullover. And to me, he looked like that actor Jay Hernandez from that movie we saw, Crazy/Beautiful. Except he was about 6'1" and part Hawaiian. Just the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in a club...I mean, you never see guys like that at Pipeline. Couldn't take my eyes off of him. Could not. And its like, I'm thinking, I could go up to this guy and I could talk to him. But something is stopping me. Its this feeling of not wanting to let go. Not wanting to close the door on you. It's crazy! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Wait around not knowing whats happening, whats going on? Why should I? Why would I want to? Its just that I feel like our relationship is just lingering...or maybe I'm letting it linger. Maybe its me.

You could be going about your buisness right now and not even be thinking of me while I'm here not wanting to move on. It just hurts not knowing. I gave everything to you...all of me. I was there for you when you needed me most. Maybe I never meant that much to you. Insignificant.

I feel stupid for feeling this way. Feeling so helpless and stupid. Like I try to tell myself, "Wake up! Just wake the fuck up! He never loved you. It was a lie...all a lie from the start!" But its as if my mind just can't touch it...as if I just can't believe...can't comprehend how you could be so cruel. But I've seen this. I tell myself, I've seen this over and over. Look at JoAnne. Look at what happened to her, wake up. Learn from their mistakes. But you? You with your smile and your laughter? You with your kind eyes?

I wanted this to be about my weekend. I thought I was getting better at getting you out of my mind. This whole fucking entry has been about you.