Dear Chris

You may be surprised that I am sending you an email after all that happened, but there are a few things that I wanted to say..you don't have to respond, maybe its better that you don't. But I thought I should say these things to you.

The past few weeks have been a very diffucult and confusing time for me, and I am sure they were for you too. I've been thinking alot about my life, the choices I've made, my feelings about things, and I just want you to understand that this had alot more to do with me than it does with you or anything you have done or not done.

When I met you on that beautiful day on the beach one year ago, I was a person who was insecure. And, I have come to find out, those insecurities never went away. I understand the things that you did when you were hurt over Ursula. Seeking out other women, having sex with people you don't really want to be with. I understand that, because I went throught the same things when Regg left me. Not only did I give my body to him (through sex), I gave him my soul, my mind, everything...and nothing...nothing I did could make him stop using drugs or stop hurting. And when he left it destroyed everything I believed in about love. My childish, naive, understanding about love and relationships ended when he never came back. I always believed that if I just loved him enough, if I just showed him that he was a person who could be loved, it would work. But it didn't.

After him, I didn't believe in love anymore. Before Regg, sex was something you had with someone you love, after him, after giving everything to him and being left alone, I felt depressed, rejected, and it sent a message to me that love was not enough...why give everything to someone if they are just going to leave without a word? And I dated 3 guys whom I had sex with and I told myself that it was nothing, I could give my body to these guys and feel good for the moment and that was enough. I told myself I didn't want to be in a relationship...I felt a false sense of power...I make the decision to have sex, no attachments, and I can leave when I feel like it. I was lying to myself. I wanted nothing more than for these guys to love me back. If any one of them told me they wanted to love me and be with me, I would have been happy to stay. But none of them did.

I was putting myself through a kind of repeated rejection. Through sex, I was asking for love, wanting them to love me and make me feel like a whole person again, but all it did was lower my self esteem and make me feel worse.

Then I met you. And everything seemed as though it came straight out of a storybook. You were handsome and liked the same things I liked and we talked and talked that day we met. You cooked for me. No one had ever cooked for me before. You were interesting. You traveled and seen so many things that I had never seen...experienced so much more than I ever had. And when we had sex that first night my feelings were a strange mixture of...being totally intoxicated by you and your warmth and the feel of your body next to mine...(lust?)...and also worry that this is going to be repeat of the past...another man who will reject me. Those days after, I wanted nothing but to be with you, next to you...I wanted you to love me. I didn't want you to leave.

Then when I came to see you, I saw the emails. But I ignored them. I wanted to believe so much...I wanted to believe that you could love me. During our relationship, all the things that bothered me, I ignored. And when I told you I loved you in Maui, I said it more out of a need to hear it back...a need for confirmation from you that you loved me and that I was worthy. The first time I realized that I had a problem was when I sent you that email after we had that discussion about me asking you if you had second thoughts about moving to Hawaii...I sent you an email apologizing for even bringing it up and telling you, "if you feel you I am not worthy for you to move to Hawaii, its okay." Its like saying..."I am not worth it..please just tell me I am right." Remember those few times we got into arguments over stupid things on skype? And I would be crying and crying...I was crying because I was afraid you would think less of me and leave me and then I would send you an email to make things okay..to be sure that you wouldn't hate me.

What I am trying to say is that I am sorry for saying all these things that made it sound like I was blaming you. None of this is your fault. You were always just being you..just being yourself. If I felt we were not compatible, I should have said something. But I held it in. I wanted this to work...I wanted you to love me. I didn't want to be alone. I have alot of things within myself to work on...and I really don't know where to start. This is also very hard for me. I feel like the person in your animated film...I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am. I really don't know what to do. I ask myself over and over why I feel this need to be loved..like trying to fill this emptiness inside me...I ask myself how did I become this way...and I have no answers. I don't know how to fix it. I have no one to talk to. I am so sad. I feel as though I will soon have a breakdown.

Everything I tell you here is the truth whether you choose to believe it or not. This breakup has everything to do with me and my insecurities...not you...not with seeing Regg again...not anyone else but me. You should be happy you did not move all the way to Hawaii to live with such a person who does not know who she is.

I want you to know this...THIS IS ALL MY FAULT AND DON'T TAKE ANY BLAME FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED. And please don't let this keep you from loving the next person with all your heart. It is better for you if you just forget about me.

Bye,
L